Being With Your Family

It is natural phenomena that all human beings need to have a mate. In all things Allah created in pairs. Human beings are couples: men and women. Each one of them needs the other one. Men can not live without women and women can not survive without men. Therefore, Allah legalized that men and women marry each other in order to satisfy their needs.

Mostly, men start rendezvous and dating that precedes the marriage. This facilitates that the pairs understand each other. The courting women then informs her family that a man is going to engage her. The family of the girl accepts the offer of their daughter and meet with the family of the boy. The two families agree with each other to build this house. In this way men and women get married, and become wife and husband. This is how the Muslim families are built.

Islam is a complete way of life. It considers the family the corner stone of Islamic society. It bases the atmosphere in the family on sacrifice, love, loyalty, and obedience. Islam encourages friendship with families, good relations with families. When we say family we mean the husband, wife and children.

It may be asked here: how does a person be friend with his family? To answer this we have to concentrate on: husband wife relationship and parent children relationship.

Islam is complete in every side. Husband and wife are the corner stone of the family. If one of them is not there the other one can not stand alone. Therefore, Islam motivates husband and the wife to have strong relationship.

Before we verify what does it mean strong relationship among the mates and their children let us glance at the way Somali people get married.

Most of Somali people are breeders of livestock, their live depends on livestock. Thus, they move from one place to other. They settle down wherever they can get grazing for their animals and move away from the place which has no grazing. So this enables Somali families to learn and interact with each other. As a result of this integration, many families are born.

Men and women convene in weddings or Golaha (an enclosed space for meetings or social gatherings), men and women sing and play. In this way men and women are used to meet and learn to each other. After men and women learned each other and agreed to marry, they propose to their families. But in urban areas it’s different because the boy and the girl meet in schools or market and come to know each other.

Somali families do not fit how islam commands to behave. In Islam, it motivates both soul mates to have good relationship since they are bases of the family. Because society are both wife and husband and if these two stones do not match well, the society suffer just like a building when the mason uses two stones that do not fit one another.

Allah sub’hana watacala made the relationship among mates strong and mentioned in the Holly Qur’an. Allah talking about this likened the relationship between mates to the dress we wear. Ask your self a question can you hide something from the dress you are wearing ?!!! Allah said in his Quran, ( women’s are your dress and you are your dress). Islamic religion encourages both mates to practice truth and obey each other because truth is the base of success.

How does a Somali family see the truth and openness with one another?!!! . In Somali family context, its habitual to tell your wife lie because there is a proverb in Somali saying “Get a women to marry you by lying to her, but live with her truth”. What the hell is wrong with the people! Sorry to use these words but how can one live with a women that you lied to so thoughtlessly?. This is something that the healthy mind can not accept. For instance you told a person that you were rich but you are not. Do you think the person will accept you when he/she discovers the truth about you. I don't think so. Nevertheless, there are many families who were built like this but what is worse is that such families do not exist any longer.

When it comes sharing and discussing issues that are important, mates do not thrash out it openly especially men believe telling his wife something of significance unwise. The greatest problem that Somali families encounter is the absence of the truth h among them and this increases divorce.

Let us glimpse the relationship among parents and children. Its obvious, that children behave how their parents behave. They do have the behaviour of their parents. Let us look the beautiful steps that Islam encourages us to follow and deal with our children. Islam based on discipline of the children on their ages and said (Play your child until age 1-7, Punish and enforce him until age 8-15 (education and Pray), Be friend with him until 16 – 21 (advise), and let him go beyond that)

Look the beautiful analysis Islam made, you could understand that at the age between 1 -7 years children could not understand any thing and if you try to beat them between this age it will not help to stop from him anything rather than hating you. What about age of between 8 – 15 at this time the child is becoming mature and he could understand what is wrong and what is right at this time. The children must go to school and pray, if they refuse, Islam encourages forcing and beating to go to school. look age between 15 – 21 at this age, the boy or the girl is totally mature and they are ready to compete with life, at this age, they need advise and suggestion rather than beating or enforcing something they dislike. Likewise when the boy reaches at the age of 21 he could be whatever he could be, so let him his own way (except the girl until she got married)

In Somali culture, you may see that we are far from the reality and we do not know totally how to deal or treat with children rather treating, enforcing or beating even in the age of 2. You may see a father who is beating his son at 2 with stick, and if you say why are you beating he will say you ‘’ He is a rude boy/girl’’ (WAA BILA’EDAB ). How dare you could say this since he is still at age 2 and even don’t understand the word ‘’ Rude’’ (WAA BILA’EDAB).

In conclusion let us be friends with our wives and children and let me supplement these points,

See your mate as best friend,

Try to think of what a best friend means and be one to your spouse. This may mean sharing interests, experiences, dreams, failures and upsets. It may involve understanding a spouse's likes and dislikes and attempting to please him or her in any way possible. A best friend is also usually someone that can be confided to trusted, and relied upon. A spouse should be the kind of friend that one would want to keep throughout life.

Spend quality time together

It is not enough to share meals, chores and small talk together. Spouses should also find time to focus on strengthening the relationship between their children. Often couples get busy with their own separate tasks and forget about working on one of the most important elements in life- relationship. Quality time may be anything from having a quiet, profound conversation to going for a nice long nature walk, to sharing a special hobby or project. Both spouses should enjoy the particular option chosen and distractions should be kept to a minimum.

Express feeling often

This is probably a very "Western" concept and one that some people may have difficulty fulfilling, but it is important to be open and honest about one's feelings, both positive and negative. The lines of communication should always be open and any concerns should be brought to the attention of the other spouse as soon as they arise. The rationale of this is that what begins as a simple concern may grow into a major problem if it is not addressed quickly and properly. The "silent treatment" has never been the remedy for anything.

Surprise each other at times

This may entail bringing home a small gift or flowers, preparing a special meal, dressing up and beautifying oneself (this is not only for women), or sending a secret note in a lunchbox. A little imagination will go a long way here. The idea is to spice up the marriage and avoid getting into a dull routine that may negatively affect the marriage.

This is the real life, let us stick this and be friends with our wives and children.

Abdirisak Abadir Ibrahim
CSI admin and Finance Officer

Amoud University Graduate
Tel: +252 2 4456544